Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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