She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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