I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
