Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
