wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
