Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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