I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think my fart just growled at me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
