You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
