I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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