I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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