Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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