Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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