i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
