operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
