I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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