Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
