Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
