just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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