Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Randomize
