did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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