Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
