Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
