i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
