eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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