Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
