How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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