and you said cock pushups were impossible
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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