You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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