don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
