Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
