Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
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Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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