That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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