My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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