Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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