So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize