She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
