He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
