I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
