...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The Olympian is in my bed
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
