i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
