Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
