hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
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speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
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Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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