Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
