I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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