I hate your face
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
