She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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