the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
