If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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