Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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