i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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