Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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