so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
