It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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