mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Randomize
