Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
